| My psychiatrist always told me that mania is | | | | you gets wasted with your friends. Whether |
| a mental illness. In my humble opinion, | | | | you do this with an orgasmic game of |
| after the many years I've spent on this | | | | scrabble, fuck parties, heroin, or plenty of |
| shithole of a planet, anyone who still | | | | alcohol is your decision. I've done all as a |
| experiences bouts of sanity after seeing the | | | | means of associating with my friends, and I |
| shit that goes on around them suffers from | | | | have to tell you, scrabble fuckin' sucks. It |
| mental illness. I've pushed myself through | | | | really is good to spend time with people that |
| so much shit that there's just got to be some | | | | you can associate with. It's absolutely |
| damage to those delicate think organs. All | | | | necessary. It is in these moments of |
| too often, there would be secret murmurs from | | | | profound intoxication, forgetfulness, and |
| a deep conscience, "just hold through this... | | | | sheer bliss that you get such beautiful |
| one day, things will be better..." We're | | | | exchanges as, "I'll sell you my soul for a |
| all insane; it's all really just a matter of | | | | shwill of that beer... and not the bottom |
| the degree.Item #1. Never forget... the | | | | part of the beer, either..." to things as |
| misery you've had to pull through, like | | | | interesting as, "I really need to stop |
| wadding through some shit swamp.So, I've | | | | killing people; this shit is really cutting |
| started a list. A list of things to | | | | in to my schedule..." I'd make another item, |
| remember. Because, as hope springs eternal, | | | | not to forget your friends and to always be |
| my little mental notes will one day fade out; | | | | there for them, but that's a part of item #5. |
| that will just be my brain making room for | | | | Actually, to make sure I don't forget...Item |
| alcoholism and disrespectful habits towards | | | | #5. Sub-clause. Never forget... to be |
| my best friends. One day, I'll be satisfied. | | | | there for your friends when they need |
| There will be good friends all around, a | | | | you.There have been some good friends, some |
| good career doing whatever (I 'unno... I'm | | | | bad friends, and not in any way you might |
| thinking mechanic or some such), and plenty | | | | recognize. My best friend introduced me to |
| of good times to be had. And, in that | | | | heroin, and that's not why he's my best |
| future, that dream I stumble on when I cruise | | | | friend. And, one of the greatest friends I |
| these sidewalks, I imagine there will be | | | | ever had (who I'd like to think was never my |
| plenty of things I forget. Among those, | | | | friend), is now my worst enemy. It was |
| there is this: the shitty misery I've been | | | | because he sided with my family members when |
| through. I'm sure that the working class | | | | they tried to have an intervention on my |
| proletariat don't need to be told what my | | | | drinking. I agreed to listen, so long as I |
| life has consisted of. Nine to five jobs, | | | | could drink Bacardi... and so long as someone |
| those lovely few months of unemployment when | | | | else was paying for it. That fucker. He was |
| it seems that nobody will hire you, | | | | all like, "I don't think that's a good idea |
| approximately five hundred "just one more | | | | that you drink at all." It was his |
| time" heroin uses, a note or two about love | | | | disagreement to Bacardi, his opposition that |
| delivered via bar napkin... Poetic, sure, | | | | gave my family more negotiating leverage. I |
| but misery is poetic. One day, I just want | | | | finally did make a deal for a six-pack of |
| to be 100% sedate.Item #2. Never forget... | | | | generic beer, in exchange for listening time. |
| when you're in love, you can't trust | | | | But still, if I could have gotten a bottle |
| yourself.This is a valuable lesson. And, | | | | of Bacardi, that would have been the coolest |
| lessons as they are, this one ought to be | | | | intervention of my life. And for that |
| valued. Sure, people will tell you, "Yeah, | | | | reason, Joe-Bob-Bill (whatever) is now my |
| she fucked you over, but at least you learned | | | | worst enemy. This, devoted and trusting |
| from it." But then again, few people only | | | | reader, brings me to my next item.Item #6. |
| learn their lesson when the broken end of a | | | | Never forget... to completely distrust your |
| vodka bottle rips through their face. Wait, | | | | family.There are a few sub-clauses, |
| I think it was a gin bottle... Yeah, it had | | | | amendments, and "what if" altercations that |
| to be. That was her flavor. We were sitting | | | | come along with this item, but I'm sure that |
| on the couch, drinking, television, insert | | | | I'll be able to fully recall them all if I |
| typical setting component. My memory of the | | | | ever need this list of things to remember for |
| incident isn't too great. I mostly remember | | | | advice. I don't really know what the |
| the police officer asking me, "Can you see | | | | situation is, you know, different cultures |
| me? How many fingers am I holding up?" For | | | | all around the globe with different values |
| some reason, my mind felt like it had | | | | and different family relationships, and the |
| calculated the situation with complete | | | | way people even in America have learned to |
| efficiency, and that the reply I was giving | | | | evolve and change things. I really do think |
| fit like a puzzle piece. "Don't worry! I'll | | | | that your family's implied impressions of you |
| show you how to tape the super bowl... That | | | | can truly take a very degenerating toll on |
| VCR was never really good. We were planning | | | | your mind. For so long, you've been at their |
| on getting it replaced anyway..." The | | | | mercy. Prejudices, bigotry, hatreds, loves, |
| officer asked me the question one more time, | | | | inadequacies expressed through rage and |
| then called for an ambulence. The last thing | | | | violence... All of this is passed to you, |
| I remember, she was being dragged away in | | | | not just by genes (if by genes at all), but |
| handcuffs, fighting and screaming. I caught | | | | by the way your family acted and behaved when |
| something like, "Fuck you! I never fucking | | | | you were just a young tot. I've come to the |
| loved you! This was all your fault!" After | | | | very clear conclusion that your family cannot |
| that, it's all blank. When I got back out of | | | | be trusted. The natural, mental process, the |
| the hospital and came to collect my things | | | | one that tells you to always respect and |
| (heh), the neighbor told me: "Yeah, you sort | | | | honor your parents' opinion, you have to |
| of laid down after she was dragged away... | | | | interject that with, "They're lying to you." |
| You kept saying, 'oh god, oh god,' and stuff | | | | It needs to become instinct. So, when you |
| like that. Oh, yeah, and you started crying | | | | get something like, "I think you have a |
| and were like, 'I just need to lay down, | | | | drinking problem," your conscience needs to |
| please...' Man, you must've been wasted." | | | | react: "They're lying to you." Then, you can |
| Oh, that reminds me...Item #3. Never | | | | reply, "Drinking problem? I call this a |
| forget... to get a copy of that police | | | | drinking solution. Ha! I made you look |
| report.I'm always curious what the real deal | | | | stupid." This instinct needs to act like a |
| was with that. Who the fuck knows... Maybe | | | | filter. So, you can hear a family member |
| there's a small piece of wisdom I left | | | | say, "Hey, I think your girlfriend is violent |
| behind. Something cliche like, "At 4:30 | | | | and you should break up," your conscience |
| A.M., the victim kept repeating the phrase | | | | goes off sending you a warning, and then your |
| 'you have to remember... you can do anything | | | | brain processes: "Hhhmmmm, they could be |
| you want to.'" Once I get the police report | | | | right." But, I've already got crazy, |
| (I really can't afford $10 a page right now), | | | | psychotic girlfriends covered in item #2.Item |
| I'm sure that I'll be wealthy and with | | | | #7. Never forget... to not call your |
| friends, and that little bit of wisdom is | | | | landlord a "cuntfuck" unless you have a |
| going to go a long way. I mean, shit, it | | | | lease.This item is rather |
| might be something that's not so cliche. It | | | | self-explanatory.Item #8. Never forget... |
| might be something practical. I could really | | | | to forget everything you learned in |
| go for a, "Hey, you should really check out | | | | school.I'm sure that few people would |
| this jazz album the cops recommended," or | | | | disagree with me on this point. Children are |
| something like, "Vodka and beer don't mix | | | | herded in to these enormous buildings. You |
| well." I'm pretty sure I won't get something | | | | can't piss without permission. You can't |
| like, "When you're in love, you can't trust | | | | walk without permission. Those who are |
| yourself." That is going to be etched in to | | | | independent are punished. It's not |
| my brain for quite a few years. Yeah, that's | | | | education. Real education elevates your mind |
| not long enough; hence, this list. Besides, | | | | and creates independence for you. When you |
| fuck that neighbor. I bet I held up a little | | | | can't piss without an authoritative figure's |
| better than he describes.Item #4. Never | | | | nod, you're nothing more than a fuckin' |
| forget... you cannot outdrink any of the | | | | slave. Forget everything you've learned. |
| gang members from Hell's Angels.This, I would | | | | Those stereotypes you picked up between |
| like to think, was actually one of the | | | | smoking weed in the bathroom and juggling |
| highlights of my life. I mean, how many | | | | numbers in class, that style of living that |
| people get to talk about the time they | | | | has you cowering in fear... I could go on |
| actually got beat down by a motorcycle gang? | | | | and on. Facts are facts, and this will |
| And not just any motorcycle gang. The Hell's | | | | always ring true: if you can't forget what |
| Angels. It started with a bar, a motorcycle | | | | you learn from school, you'll be cursed for |
| gang (Hell's Angels, yes yes), and five | | | | life. Everything from your career to your |
| gallons of cheap vodka. It seemed that I | | | | family and your relationships. Fuck school. |
| became drunk, beligerent, etc., one of them | | | | If you have any respect for it, then stay the |
| insulted me, and I just swung. Like my past | | | | fuck away from me.Item #9. Never forget... |
| experiences with violence, either there was | | | | there's always time to change.I suppose |
| so much alcohol and drugs or the violence was | | | | that's the ultimate point of this of this |
| so excessive, that most of the memories of | | | | list. When I look through these items, I |
| the incident are blurred. Fortunately, I am | | | | remember every time I've made a personal |
| told, I didn't get killed, which was a real | | | | resolution, a commandment to myself. And, |
| risk, I guess. But, fuck that. Any time you | | | | everytime I think of those resolutions, I |
| can't -- oh, wait, this should be the next | | | | think about the moments I abandon them. They |
| item...Item #5. Never forget... any time | | | | seem like difficult moments. I hear echoes |
| you're afraid of doing something, just | | | | of family, telling me, "That's because you |
| because you might die afterwards, is a time | | | | never finish anything you start," or maybe |
| that you officially have labelled yourself as | | | | I'm looking at a police officer through the |
| a pussy. Go get drunk and think about the | | | | bars of a holding cell, listening to the same |
| decision you've made.Actually, fuck that. I | | | | old argument: "I didn't have to bring you in |
| don't need a reminder for that. Maybe I need | | | | here, but I did." For every promise that |
| a reminder on like, getting regular therapy | | | | I've made to myself and broken, I've made |
| to treat that ideal. But, a reminder for | | | | another promise. I guess that's why I've |
| that? Fuck it. Scratch that fucker | | | | labelled this, "A List of Things to Be Afraid |
| off...Item #5. Never forget... anytime | | | | of." Right now, I think I'm going to go out |
| you're afraid of doing something, just | | | | to the bar with my friends, see if I can |
| because you might die afterwards, is a time | | | | outdrink anyone, and see if I can fall in |
| that you officially have labelled yourself as | | | | love with some stranger. If anyone ever |
| a pussy. Go get drunk and think about the | | | | finds this list, I'll make sure to tell them, |
| decision you've made. (I suck. I can't | | | | "Don't take that advice to heart, kid... |
| believe I wrote this... sub-item #5: get | | | | Living life like that just isn't worth it." |
| therapy, heh.)Item #5. Never forget... | | | | To all the mistakes I've made, I suppose the |
| always make time to get wasted with your | | | | hardest thing I have to learn is that I can |
| friends.This is an important note. Any | | | | always change. Life,Punkerslut (or Andy |
| lengthy amount of time during life that does | | | | Carloff) has been writing essays and poetry |
| not include getting off in some way or form | | | | on social issues which have caught his |
| will first burn, tear, rip, and eventually | | | | attention for several years. His website |
| destroy you. If at any time, you think | | | | provides a complete list of all of these |
| you've been sober for far too long, | | | | writings. His life experience includes |
| immediately take a ride to the nearest liquor | | | | homelessness, squating in New Orleans and LA, |
| store and get some booze. Friends are a plus | | | | dropping out of high school, getting expelled |
| in this situation. Even if you have to | | | | from college for "subversive activities," and |
| fuckin' mark it on your calendar, make sure | | | | a myriad of other revolutionary actions. |