| "Mom, what did the doctor say about your liver | | | | changes can |
| function | | | | make a huge difference. Next time you're asked to |
| tests?" Martha and her mother Leah spent plenty of | | | | volunteer, |
| time on | | | | instead of jumping in with a "Yes", say, instead, "I'll get |
| the phone the days before the follow-up doctor visit | | | | back to you on that." You will come to understand |
| talking | | | | that "no" |
| about what this abnormal blood test could mean. With | | | | is a complete sentence, and you can utter the word! If |
| a heavy | | | | you |
| sigh Leah said, "Well, the doctor looked like he was | | | | can't imagine doing this, use this "fake it till you make it |
| having | | | | trick"...tell yourself that you're taking care of your |
| a hard day, and there were lots of people in the | | | | children's father, your mother's daughter or your pet's |
| waiting | | | | owner.Take care of yourself every day.Get exercise, |
| room and they looked very sick, so I didn't ask." | | | | nutrition and rest every day. Do something |
| Martha | | | | that recharges your batteries every day no matter |
| said, "If you took care of yourself with just a fraction | | | | what. It's |
| of | | | | a cliché, but when you're on a plane you're |
| the nurturing you give to everyone else in the whole | | | | instructed to |
| world, | | | | put on your own mask before taking care of |
| you would be in great shape."Leah's life is guided by | | | | others.Bring an advocate with you to the |
| two words: "Be nice." In her | | | | doctor.Engaging in acts of self-care, like going to the |
| perfect day, everyone gets along, she anticipates and | | | | doctor, can |
| meets | | | | feel like swimming upstream to a people-pleaser. |
| the needs of others and goes to sleep knowing she's | | | | Being nice |
| a worthy | | | | takes the form of being a good patient who doesn't |
| person because people tell her so. Leah avoids | | | | make |
| conflict and | | | | waves.Here is something critical to remember: You |
| she would never dream of making a scene. When | | | | are not there to |
| she gave the | | | | take care of your doctor; your doctor is there to take |
| cashier at the grocery store a $20 bill for a $7 item | | | | care |
| and | | | | of you. In the past you may have made your medical |
| got back $3 she didn't say a word. Her perfectionism | | | | choices |
| usually | | | | by raising your antennae and tuning into what you |
| heads off criticism, but sometimes it backfires. She | | | | think will |
| tried | | | | make your doctor happy. You certainly want your |
| to help her adult son, who said with annoyance, "Mom, | | | | doctor's |
| stop | | | | opinion, and in most cases you will agree with your |
| being such a people-pleaser." Leah's darkest fear is | | | | doctor's |
| that | | | | recommendations. Sometimes getting good care |
| she will not give enough and wind up all alone, | | | | means making |
| abandoned by | | | | waves, like asking , "What are the other treatment |
| her friends and family.While being nice sounds like a | | | | options?" |
| good idea, there's a problem. | | | | or requesting a more complete explanation or seeking |
| It doesn't work. People pleasers often take care of | | | | a |
| others | | | | second medical opinion.While it's always a good idea |
| at the expense of themselves. Activities that promote | | | | to take a second set of |
| health, like the daily walk and a good night's sleep are | | | | listening ears to a doctor appointment, it's particularly |
| sacrificed when someone else is in need. Trying to | | | | important if you're a people-pleaser. An advocate will |
| avoid or | | | | assure that you and your health care team stay |
| ignore conflict and anger is like trying to hold a beach | | | | focused on |
| ball under water. Unexpressed feelings can pop up as | | | | taking care of you.Accept help.People-pleasers can |
| physical ailments, such as heartburn or depression or | | | | give from dawn to dusk, but they rarely |
| back | | | | accept help, even when they're sick. When I ask my |
| pain. When your value as a person is defined by what | | | | patients |
| other | | | | who are people-pleasers how it feels to help a friend |
| people think about you, and you don't measure up, | | | | struggling with illness, the answer is a broad smile. |
| food or | | | | Then I |
| alcohol medicate the emptiness.If you're a | | | | remind them that when they accept help, they give |
| people-pleaser who gets sick, the same behaviors | | | | their |
| that got you to the doctor in the first place may stand | | | | friends a chance to have those same good feelings.If |
| in | | | | you are a people-pleaser, your heart might be racing. I |
| the way of getting good health care. You might not | | | | assure you I'm not asking to give up serving others. I'm |
| want to | | | | suggesting that a healthy life is a life in balance, and I |
| "trouble your doctor" with your problems. If you have | | | | encourage you to treat yourself as nicely as you |
| side | | | | treat |
| effects from a medication, you might simply stop | | | | others. When you take care of yourself, you offer us |
| taking the | | | | the |
| pills rather than tell your doctor that you want to try a | | | | gift of most fully who you are. Then you can really |
| different medication. A cross look from the front | | | | serve.It's more important than ever to take an active |
| office | | | | role in your |
| staff when you ask for a copy of your medical | | | | healthcare. The best way to get top-quality, safe and |
| record may be | | | | effective healthcare is to actively and knowledgably |
| all you need to decide that you're not doing that | | | | participate. Visit for the |
| again.The bottom line is that being nice can be | | | | tools to get you there.Copyright © Vicki Rackner |
| hazardous to your | | | | MD, 2005Vicki Rackner, MD, president of Medical |
| health. It erodes your health and impairs your ability to | | | | Bridges, is a board- |
| get better if you're sick.I invite you to examine how | | | | certified surgeon who left the operating room to help |
| being nice is working for you. | | | | employees become active participants in their health |
| Serving others offers great rewards. Serving at the | | | | care. |
| expense | | | | She is a consultant, speaker and author of the |
| of yourself comes with a huge cost that ultimately | | | | *Personal |
| limits | | | | Health Journal*, author/editor of *Chicken Soup for the |
| your ability to serve. You can be freed from the | | | | Healthy Heart Soul* and author of the lead story for |
| imprisonment of people-pleasing. If you want to treat | | | | *Chicken Soup for the Breast Cancer Soul.* Dr. |
| yourself with more love and respect, here are some | | | | Rackner can |
| thoughts.Re-think being nice.People-pleasing is a | | | | be reached at or |
| learned behavior that can be unlearned. | | | | (425) 451-3777. |
| Although habits may be deeply engrained, small | | | | |