| "Mom, what did the doctor say about your | | | | instead of jumping in with a "Yes", say, |
| liver function | | | | instead, "I'll get |
| | | | |
| tests?" Martha and her mother Leah spent | | | | back to you on that." You will come to |
| plenty of time on | | | | understand that "no" |
| | | | |
| the phone the days before the follow-up | | | | is a complete sentence, and you can utter |
| doctor visit talking | | | | the word! If you |
| | | | |
| about what this abnormal blood test could | | | | can't imagine doing this, use this "fake it |
| mean. With a heavy | | | | till you make it |
| | | | |
| sigh Leah said, "Well, the doctor looked | | | | trick"...tell yourself that you're taking |
| like he was having | | | | care of your |
| | | | |
| a hard day, and there were lots of people in | | | | children's father, your mother's daughter or |
| the waiting | | | | your pet's |
| | | | |
| room and they looked very sick, so I didn't | | | | owner.Take care of yourself every day.Get |
| ask." Martha | | | | exercise, nutrition and rest every day. Do |
| | | | something |
| said, "If you took care of yourself with | | | | |
| just a fraction of | | | | that recharges your batteries every day no |
| | | | matter what. It's |
| the nurturing you give to everyone else in | | | | |
| the whole world, | | | | a cliché, but when you're on a plane |
| | | | you're instructed to |
| you would be in great shape."Leah's life is | | | | |
| guided by two words: "Be nice." In her | | | | put on your own mask before taking care of |
| | | | others.Bring an advocate with you to the |
| perfect day, everyone gets along, she | | | | doctor.Engaging in acts of self-care, like |
| anticipates and meets | | | | going to the doctor, can |
| | | | |
| the needs of others and goes to sleep | | | | feel like swimming upstream to a |
| knowing she's a worthy | | | | people-pleaser. Being nice |
| | | | |
| person because people tell her so. Leah | | | | takes the form of being a good patient who |
| avoids conflict and | | | | doesn't make |
| | | | |
| she would never dream of making a scene. | | | | waves.Here is something critical to |
| When she gave the | | | | remember: You are not there to |
| | | | |
| cashier at the grocery store a $20 bill for | | | | take care of your doctor; your doctor is |
| a $7 item and | | | | there to take care |
| | | | |
| got back $3 she didn't say a word. Her | | | | of you. In the past you may have made your |
| perfectionism usually | | | | medical choices |
| | | | |
| heads off criticism, but sometimes it | | | | by raising your antennae and tuning into |
| backfires. She tried | | | | what you think will |
| | | | |
| to help her adult son, who said with | | | | make your doctor happy. You certainly want |
| annoyance, "Mom, stop | | | | your doctor's |
| | | | |
| being such a people-pleaser." Leah's darkest | | | | opinion, and in most cases you will agree |
| fear is that | | | | with your doctor's |
| | | | |
| she will not give enough and wind up all | | | | recommendations. Sometimes getting good care |
| alone, abandoned by | | | | means making |
| | | | |
| her friends and family.While being nice | | | | waves, like asking , "What are the other |
| sounds like a good idea, there's a problem. | | | | treatment options?" |
| | | | |
| It doesn't work. People pleasers often take | | | | or requesting a more complete explanation or |
| care of others | | | | seeking a |
| | | | |
| at the expense of themselves. Activities | | | | second medical opinion.While it's always a |
| that promote | | | | good idea to take a second set of |
| | | | |
| health, like the daily walk and a good | | | | listening ears to a doctor appointment, it's |
| night's sleep are | | | | particularly |
| | | | |
| sacrificed when someone else is in need. | | | | important if you're a people-pleaser. An |
| Trying to avoid or | | | | advocate will |
| | | | |
| ignore conflict and anger is like trying to | | | | assure that you and your health care team |
| hold a beach | | | | stay focused on |
| | | | |
| ball under water. Unexpressed feelings can | | | | taking care of you.Accept |
| pop up as | | | | help.People-pleasers can give from dawn to |
| | | | dusk, but they rarely |
| physical ailments, such as heartburn or | | | | |
| depression or back | | | | accept help, even when they're sick. When I |
| | | | ask my patients |
| pain. When your value as a person is defined | | | | |
| by what other | | | | who are people-pleasers how it feels to help |
| | | | a friend |
| people think about you, and you don't | | | | |
| measure up, food or | | | | struggling with illness, the answer is a |
| | | | broad smile. Then I |
| alcohol medicate the emptiness.If you're a | | | | |
| people-pleaser who gets sick, the same | | | | remind them that when they accept help, they |
| behaviors | | | | give their |
| | | | |
| that got you to the doctor in the first | | | | friends a chance to have those same good |
| place may stand in | | | | feelings.If you are a people-pleaser, your |
| | | | heart might be racing. I |
| the way of getting good health care. You | | | | |
| might not want to | | | | assure you I'm not asking to give up serving |
| | | | others. I'm |
| "trouble your doctor" with your problems. If | | | | |
| you have side | | | | suggesting that a healthy life is a life in |
| | | | balance, and I |
| effects from a medication, you might simply | | | | |
| stop taking the | | | | encourage you to treat yourself as nicely as |
| | | | you treat |
| pills rather than tell your doctor that you | | | | |
| want to try a | | | | others. When you take care of yourself, you |
| | | | offer us the |
| different medication. A cross look from the | | | | |
| front office | | | | gift of most fully who you are. Then you can |
| | | | really serve.It's more important than ever to |
| staff when you ask for a copy of your | | | | take an active role in your |
| medical record may be | | | | |
| | | | healthcare. The best way to get top-quality, |
| all you need to decide that you're not doing | | | | safe and |
| that again.The bottom line is that being nice | | | | |
| can be hazardous to your | | | | effective healthcare is to actively and |
| | | | knowledgably |
| health. It erodes your health and impairs | | | | |
| your ability to | | | | participate. Visit for the |
| | | | |
| get better if you're sick.I invite you to | | | | tools to get you there.Copyright © Vicki |
| examine how being nice is working for you. | | | | Rackner MD, 2005Vicki Rackner, MD, president |
| | | | of Medical Bridges, is a board- |
| Serving others offers great rewards. Serving | | | | |
| at the expense | | | | certified surgeon who left the operating |
| | | | room to help |
| of yourself comes with a huge cost that | | | | |
| ultimately limits | | | | employees become active participants in |
| | | | their health care. |
| your ability to serve. You can be freed from | | | | |
| the | | | | She is a consultant, speaker and author of |
| | | | the *Personal |
| imprisonment of people-pleasing. If you want | | | | |
| to treat | | | | Health Journal*, author/editor of *Chicken |
| | | | Soup for the |
| yourself with more love and respect, here | | | | |
| are some thoughts.Re-think being | | | | Healthy Heart Soul* and author of the lead |
| nice.People-pleasing is a learned behavior | | | | story for |
| that can be unlearned. | | | | |
| | | | *Chicken Soup for the Breast Cancer Soul.* |
| Although habits may be deeply engrained, | | | | Dr. Rackner can |
| small changes can | | | | |
| | | | be reached at or |
| make a huge difference. Next time you're | | | | |
| asked to volunteer, | | | | (425) 451-3777. |
| | | | |